School and work consume my life.
Everyone at PBT is seeing someone.
They all get to pumpkin picking but me...I was invited but being with 4 couples? no thanks.
I'm just polishing the silver platter and waiting for the depression to be served if I go.
Really glad I school adn work consume my life?

 I hate feeling so alone and worthless.

 So I have a boyfriend.
Chris Leap is the new boyfriend. 8/14.
I'm still kinda in shock.
It was a little quick but...he leaves for school in 15 days.
He's on vacation for 7 of them

He is really happy. I'm really happy.
Maybe this will be something good.
I just hope I'm ready for this...

 This is just fucking great!
I have a partner ASL final.
We make up a dialogue & sign in front of our professor.
Seems pretty simple .... except for the fact that my assigned partner
just wants to fucking wing it the day of & won't be there Monday.
Her mom is having surgery which sucks and all. I get that.
But when I suggested we get to together this weekend , email or IM something
she said no we can wing it. She lives in Syosset... not far.
I'd understand if she lived in Linderhurst like my Professor or something.
BUT NO.



So now I have to email my professor and idk wtf I'm gonig to do. I can practice all I want but w/o my partner signing properly & the dialogue we wrote out.... won't help me much.

 I'm so angry & confused & curious.

Between Joey & Rich I'm giving up on the male race.

Joey is begging. Beyond begging. Its actually pathetic.
Like it almost makes me believe him about Cassandra.
Thats how BAD the begging is. I just keep saying no & saying how he lied etc.
but he promises he changed and that he learned from his mistakes
but he should've learned the first time he lied and I caught him.
He is buying a new car & is making it a point to either
make me come with him or decide before he buys it so that
I'll be willing to drive it because I won't drive the trucks.
And he's serious. TOO serious. I just don't get it.

Rich... is still messed up.
Not talking to me & dating this girl
did NOT help him. I think it made him worse.
We never ended on bad terms , he was never a dick.
He was jsut .. there. And now he's back.
I wish I could understand why he came back & thinks
it's all ok. He has no idea how bad he really hurt me.
Mostly because I didn't talk to him when he said it was done.
And if I did it was a text on the 4th of July & saying sorry the next AM.
A simple hey in SeaSide which resulted in me being crushed.
And the day after the 4th I hurt my back bad & I asked him something
about HIS back because his was hurt where mine was. That was it.
Does he really think he can come back into my life & act like nothing happen?
He'll be in for a shock if we ever do hang out.
Things with him WERE different. but now, it's a bad different.
I can't trust him not to hurt me. He always warned me & I dis reguarded it.
Yes my fault but still....he knew what was going to happen all along.
UGH he makes me so angry & frustrated. 


ugh I'm done ranting. I hate them both. I truly do.

 Today, the dock broke with my Dad on it.
Guess who fell into the water....

High tide pushed the boat up onto the dock , which was already breaking.
Well , apparently the dock didn't appreciate the boat resting on it SO
when my Dad pushed it off finally the dock gave in considering it as holding close to 9000lbs or so.
Might be more but I forgot. My Dad fell into the water slow motion.

The tide was strong so he was scared to try & swim away from what he was holding on to & then get stuck under the boat.
I had to run for help....in flip flops on gravel.

I could barely speak when I made it to the dock house. I ran OUT of my flip flops because they got wet.
On my way back ... well the flip flops were still wet & there was mud....
Yep. I slid...like a baseball player sliding into home.
I have the ugliest scrapes / cuts on my left leg under my ass.
I can't sit right...I can't walk ... and its black & blue.

My Dad is ok all he has is a scratch but that was probably the scariest thing I have ever seen. I went to jump in the water
but my mOm grabbed me before I could...What was I going to do? Not sure but instinct said jump in after him.

I'm now scared of the dock... and I took a nap. Hello nightmare...
I really hope that nightmare is a one time deal & not like my car accident things
otherwise I am going to get VERY cranky with no sleep:(

 I've had enough.
I'm done.

school needs to start ASAP.

 Seaside was so much fun:)
got my belly button pierced.
Didn't get too drunk or that drunk at all.
Had a nice buzz for 3 days. It was perfection.

Now I have a reason to work out & go on that diet I've been trying to go on for months.
NO more soda AGAIN, No more eating out at Wendys & Calda.




So in Seaside being stuck in a room with 3 couples makes you feel so lonely.
It made me miss having someone. I always miss having someone but times like that
I REALLY miss it. 

I hate boys.

 can not wait to be off of long island for 3 days


fuck youuuu

 so tonight I saw a kid form high school that I had the biggest rush on absolutely TRASHED.
Not so hot anymore. He was trying to open a non existant door....

AND I was over in Massapequa taking my cousin to a friends a house & I saw a kitten that looked like Riches new kitten Simba...
So I get home and go to chekc on his facebook and he deleted me. THat really upsets me:(
A lot. It was a month yesterday ( Thursday) since I've seen him and he deleted me.
I want to say something to him but it isn't worth it. But that bothers me & upsets me.
I feel like crap right now. I have work at 10 am ... FML


Now I'm upset .. this isn't good:/

 Tonight I decided to tear apart my room.
Both closets , all my drawers,desk & night table.
I started this lovely project at 10ish & I took a break to do the kitchen for my mom.
Why I'm doing this? Well my room was a disaster. I had no floor. I couldn't find anything.
I'm getting sick & I leave for vacation on Wednesday. I want to come home to a celan organized room.
I think my thought process was ... if there even was any ... get it done while you still feel somehwat decent so the next 2 days when you feel like death you can just lay down & get as healthy as possible for vacation. 

I threw out things of my Grandmas that I've been holding onto for 4 years. (June 26 2005<3 I miss you Grandma<3) 
I won't wear the obnoxious belts. I'm pretty sure half the things I have she hadn't worn in the past 5 years AT LEAST before she died. SO I gave them to good will. Thats what she would ahev wanted and I have to let go. She isn't here and she unfortantly can't come back. But I wish she could somehow of course. I went to her grave this week. It was scary & sad but I felt better. I sat down and cried. A LOT for 10 minutes. But it felt better. I went by myself and it was empty. I did what I felt I had to. I know I don't ever have to go. My Grandma told my Dad who told me...Don't ever force me to go. They know I love them and that I don't have to go if I can't handle it. I couldn't handle it but I pulled myself together and drove home. I did it. I got home & cried some more then I was ok.


I fit into clothes I didn't think I would.
I don't fit into clothes I thought I would.
I need to get back to the gym & eating better.
I was doing so well...then summer came & I got lazy.


I'm excited for my vacation to Utah.
I love it out west. I loved Vegas. I'm gonna love Salt Lake.
I need my sister. I need her to tell me everything is ok.



I'm procrastinating buttttttt

June 24th - July 1st : Salt Lake City, Utah
July 6th - August 6th : ASL 2!
July 13th - July 15th : Seaside Heights, NJ
July 18th : Paul McCartney Concert
July 19th : Sons of Italy Queens Pagent
August 25th : Blink 182 , Taking Back Sunday, Weezer
September 14th : Kings of Leon

^ :D very excited!

 Today we were talking about the economy at my Nana's house with some family.
I remember in 11th grade when the economy was SLOWLY turning and my teacher told us about it.
It happens 8-10 years or so its typical. I think back to then and I look at how much has changed.
I don't even mean with the economy I mean with my life.

Since last Friday I've been thinking a lot about how my life has changed since I graduated high school.
SO much has changed. Some for the worse - the better - or just because it happens.
I wonder what I'm going to be doing when I graduate college...or even Nassau.
It scares me but I'm really excited for it. I can't wait. I don't want to rush growing up for one second
but I just want to know what's going to happen next.... even if it's bad.


I was talking about my PopPop last night & he came up today.
I forgot he died.
Like I know he did. But I forgot.
He was NEVER around.
I had no idea about half the things I was told today.
No clue he had 2 sisters or a brother.
No that's a lie...I knew but actually forgot.
He only died a few months ago & I forgot his "lady friends" name.
I don't feel like he died. I feel like he just doesn't call like always & never knew ow to spell my name when I was little and I would get so upset & confused because my Grandpa could spell my name.
I only have 2 memories. 2!! that's it!
Once on Christmas. I got this like....toy kitchen thing and he played with me and it was like 5 am.
And when I was in 7th or 8th grade I made him french toast.
I knew my PopPop was an amazing cook. He was a chef in the Army. 
He was impressed. My Mom told me if he didn't think it he would've said so.
I asked her today & she reassured me he wasn't lying to make me feel better.
My PopPop died & I don't even notice.
I mean ... I tried to call but he never knew who I was. NOT because he was old or anything but because he actually forgot he had a grand daughter named Cathleen who was his eldest daughters 3rd child. his 6th grand child. he forgot about me. and probably about the other 11 but I'm not the other 11. He forgot about me:/ He made promises about hearing me play the flute... he never came to visit & heard me play. He promised he'd stop drinking & when he was here for my cousins Bar Mitzfa ... He drank. And got really drunk. I cried and got so upset because even then at maybe 15? I didn't understand how he could lie to me and break the promise. I asked him not to drink because it made my Mom upset. My Nana tried to explain it to me and I didn't understand. My Mom told me he got "better" to an extent. I guess seeing his granddaughter hysterically crying wasn't enough to make him stop that day. I watched him stumble & fall all over the place. I watched him walk into a wall in my living room. MY GRANDFATHER! Not my drunk friend who took one too many shots... my PopPop. I don't know where all of this came from I guess I just never gave it thought and never cried when he died. When he died & my Mom called me to come home early I got mad. I didn't know why she was making me come home but she was. She told me I said you ok? she said 'm fine are you? I said yes & went to bed and woke up like nothing even happen. I didn't ask questions. Nothing. NOW I'm crying. I was mad at myself because I didn't cry now I am months later and I'm mad because I am crying. I don't understand and I don't want to. I just want to act like last night/todays conversations never existed. 

I saw UP tonight with Lauren & Noelle. I cried twice. 
During a Disney movie. I have my period so I'll blame hormones but that obviously wasn't it.
I would write why but I don't know if I'd be spoiling it for anyone although I doubt that.
I also really laughed for the first time in a long time.
Yes I laugh everyday but I REALLY laughed.
It felt so good to laugh like that. I need to laugh like that again.




blah my mood is so twisted right now.
I need to remember why I do certain things
hang on to certain memories
or certain words because if I don't
things could get ugly and I REALLY
don't need that right now.
I need to enjoy what I have and not take
one thing out of context.
Everytime I have - I cry.

I'd die for you ... I think dying for someone is epic and I would do anything for you.



Thursday was the most amazing day of my life.
Friday happens and it faded. QUICKLY.

I'm sorry our life isn't the perfection you wanted but I can't ever give you the perfection you want.
I'm sorry that I feel the way I do.
I'm sorry he said what he said.
I'm sorry that everything happened but I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm sorry she fucked you up so much that you can't let yourself love another girl.
I'm sorry that you're so confused.
I'm sorry that I always say I'm sorry.

I don't know what you'd like me to do but things happen.
Life happens. No one said you'd like it but it does.


Good feeling is like teetor tottering.
And I hope it tips onto a good thing.

 Last night was so much fun.
I wanna make it a weekly thing.
Even if I don't drink I'd still have a lot of fun:)
I gotta say - I know that tall kid was cute but he could NOT dance and I couldn't deal with it. I was like on his thigh haha

So this morning has SUCKED.
Woke up at 630 with cotton mouth & I really had to pee.
Didn't fall asleep until 730-8.
Woke up after that because my parents were texting me.
Fall back asleep lawn guys were here from 930-10.
All I want to do is sleep. I feel so gross.
I made the mistake of going to bed drunk & on a full stomach of taco bell:(
I just want to sleeeeep haha I give up.

but yes last night was fun & I'll DD next time!
We HAVE to take turns. It's the only way its fair.

I am so excited for this summer. I wasn't but now I am:)

Overall ; I'm in a good mood,
I haven't even looked at my camera yet but idk if I wanna haha

 My Psychology paper is going to be the death of me.

I hate psychology at the moment.
And I DEF DO NOT WANT TO BE AN EXPERIMENTAL PSYCHOLOGIST!
Because writing up a report sucks ass!
My english paper is a research paper and it is the first legit research paper I'm writing. I bullshitted my 2 in high school by pure luck.I never handed in a revised copy once & got an 85 on a non existant paper. Then I just bullshitted my works cited with websites that weren't even supposed to be used.
It's not hard just annoying. I bullshitted my way through my 1st 2 ... I WISH I could bullshit my way through this one.
And I have been doing so much ASL work its disgusting.
My psychology & english paper are based around ASL since both teachers asked me to do my papers on ASL.
I love ASL but my God - 4 papers in total on ASL due within the same week on different parts of it....SUCK!

lalala I can't wait for Fall 2009!
I wanna take ASL3!! And go to GU round 2!
I can't wait to take weight training & yoga believe it or not.
I just wanna keep going with school. I'm semi excited about it.
I just loveASL so much. I swear it keeps me going through the week it really does.

Oh and math?! Yes I am the shit at it this semester.
Quadratic formula - my best friend.
Math final - FML. but I can go it. I know my stuff - I think.
I'm procrastinating:) 


Dear Summer,
Please come now.
Thank you.

 I'm stressed out.
End of the semester sucks.

Today i told someone I was stressed out & all they said to me was
"so is everyone else is. Deal with it. Go smoke a joint or something..."
First off...I'm not everyone else. I'm Cathleen. And Cathleen is freaking out.
Second off...I am dealing with it - obviously otherwise I wouldn't be stressed out.
Third off....Hi. I'm Cathleen. Have we met? The walking anti weed & cigerettes campaign?! REALLY?! Go smoke a joiint. Really?! Yes perfect idea. Let me go get high...I don't have enough work to do. Of course not.

Yes I am on LJ but I'd rather vent sitting here than go smoking like some people suggested.
This is my first real semester. My first semester was a JOKE. Seriously.
So I have a lot of work. And I'm busy & freaking out.
And it's only just begun. UGH FML. I HATE COLLEGE. For now.

 I would write about how amazing my trip was but I really don't care about that right now.

I went to IM Dan last night & Chris answered.
He had to talk about baseball with me since it was one of our things.
Then decided to ask if I had a boyfriend yet.
I said no - can't really like since he's best friends with dan -who's inna weird stage with Laura so I can't really lie.
I asked how his girlfriend was and it'll be a year in June.
Why does he always ask about me being with someone.
Why does he care SO much? I don't understand.
I really don't. Why do all my ex's care if I'm with anyone?
That's all they ever ask me.

Why do they care?
because they have someone & I don't?
They like to see me without someone?
Or because they think I deserve to be with someone?
I really don't know but it gets me upset when they ask me.
Because they're so fucking happy - and I'm not.
They left me & found someone better.
SHE is better than me clearly if they're with her & not me.
For whatever the reason is - they aren't with me. They're with someone else.


I just want to feel happy. Thats all.
I don't need a boy to do that but I just want to be happy.
I'm far from it. I hate this feeling of being along & empty.

 I am freaking the fuck out.

tomorrow I go to Galladeut University.
I have to use my sign language all day.
I know some stuff. More than I probably realize.
I have to talk to people who sign as their ONLY communication.

I can sign well for a first year & my finger spelling is pretty good ...
except when I get nervous. It gets so jumbled you couldn't understand it.
ARGH and what if I don't like sign anymore?
I'm scared I'll be turned off by it because I don't know even sign yet.

tomorrow has so much instore for me.
I can't even sleep.
I have to be up in 3 hours.
its 12:27am.
I leave my house at 4 am.

 I hate feeling so alone.
I know I'm not but I feel that way.

I hate feeling like I have no one.

This time last year something big happen.
A lot has changed & a lot hasn't.
I wish certain things changed so maybe
I could feel a little better than I do right now.

 WEIRD DREAM - I remember it so vividly. Btw I'm still scared to go in my upstairs bathroom.


So I had a dream that I was dating Joey ... (noelle don't worry this isn't what you think). And there were vampires running around. I was supposed to be turned on my birthday which was a week away. So while this is going on I'm still a human. Of course. So Joey tells me that if I see a vampire to call him immediately so he can get there & protect me. Hes at my house and goes whatever you do stay out of the bathroom. Theres a vampire up there but he's deaf. So he can't hear me. He can only smell me but he's not going to get defensive unless I get closer. Now to protect my parents I send them out to dinner on me so they're not home. Since the bathroom the vampire is in - is attached to my parents bed room. Joey goes to call his cousins Michael Anthony & John to come help him. I'm upstairs locked in my room because apparently that was safer than being outside vs being 6 feet away from the bathroom. I hear a knock on my door - I assume its one of the boys ... I was wrong. The vampire in the bathroom realized he was the only one in the house. He goes for me but I moved out of the way? I'm screaming for Joey & his cousins but of course they;re not close enough to hear me? I'm pretty sure they're like outside the front door. So I'm running down the stairs and my Dad is inthe kitchen. Hes like whats wrong? I'm like why aren't you at- FUCK LETS GO. I grab my Dad and pull him into the den. By now the vampire is just starring at us because he can't believe how easy this is going to be. Just as the vampire starts to walk closer to us... a kid RIch who I'm talking to (basically Jacob...) comes in the back door & slams into me. Sees the vampire and goes to protect us. The vampire goes for my Dad! Rich gets in front of me and in comes Joey & the boys finally. Well... the vampire bite my Dad but he didn't turn into one. SOmehow. (even though its a dream it doesn't make sense haha) Then Joey starts to fight with the vampire. Oh his name was like Demitri or Damion. Something with a De or Da. Joeys cousins stayed back because they were afraid if it got bad Joey might hurt them instead so they moved me rich & my Dad out of the house. So you know the lovely fight scene with James & how you see Alice like rip his head off? Well from where the cousins moved me I could see Joey get his body ripped to pieces & burned in my fire place. You'd think that'd upset me...not really. GO figure. BUT now I'm all worried about my Dad since he was bit. The cousins bit me right then & there so I could fight with them. I immediately change - no 3 day wait. And I wasn't a psycho new born. I immediately go after the bad guy. Rich is stunned since he's just kinda hanging out behind Anthony. I go after this guy & kill him all by myself thank you very much:) 

I go over to my Dad & I'm like how do you feel? Hes like fine. So to test his eye sight I make him read something far away. He could perfectly but he wasn't a vampire. He just had his senses made perfect. Which was a relief. Then I ended up with Rich & didn't care that my partner ( we were basically Edward & Bella so to speak) was like dead in my fire place.

That was my dream. I woke up and am scared of my upstairs bathroom. And my house smelt weird (like insents ... my dad opened a new pack of the ones he keeps in his media room next to the room with the fire place) so i woke up kinda freaked out haha